Midnight Confessions
by staceycj
Summary: The boys are in a place now where they feel like they can talk to one another again, and the cover of night gives them the courage to talk. No slash/wincest Series of one shots. S5 post 5X5
1. Chapter 1

"Dean?"

"What, Sam?" Dean growled from the bed next to Sam's.

"Are you afraid of saying the word…yes?" Sam softly said after a brief hesitation.

"What?" Dean asked confused, squinting in the moonlight.

"You know, like if you say it out loud, that Michael might mistake it for you meaning that affirmative, and then you're screwed?"

Dean thought about it for a little while, tucked his pillow a little further under his head as he thought. "Yeah, kinda, I guess. I'm more scared when you say the word yes."

Instantaneous anger bubbled through Sam. "You think I would don't you? You think I'd allow that son of a bitch to have me?"

"No. Even if they did something to you Sammy, I'd be there to stop you from doing that."

"You'd kill me?" Sam asked softly.

"No. I'd cut out your tongue."

"Oh that's reassuring."

"Yeah, well, whatever. You asked."

"You really aren't worried about Michael?"

"No. He isn't ever going to get to ride around in my skin."

"Even if it means saving the world?"

"Ruby told you that if you killed Lilith that you would save the world…"

"I know Dean. I know I was wrong…you don't have to…"

"If Ruby can say that to you, and make you believe it, and make you think you are doing the right thing…what makes me think that these ass holes who just happen to work for the other team, aren't trying to dick me over? I mean, really Sam, if I said yes, what would happen other than Michael would possess me and then what? Leave you alone? Leave you vulnerable and make it that much easier for Lucifer to take you over, and then they could have their little angel show down and what? Destroy half of the globe, and us in the process."

Sam chewed on the thought for a moment. Dean had been in the future, he knew what he was talking about, and he should trust that. "This is true." Sam said finally and sighed and continued to stare at the ceiling, so many things going through his head. So many worries, so many insecurities.

"Yeah. It is true. We've just got to keep our heads down Sammy. They can't make us do or say anything if they can't find us."

"You're right."

"Of course I'm right. I'm older. Go to sleep Sam. You need that beauty rest a whole hell of a lot more than me." That earned Dean a pillow in the face. "Thanks. One less pillow for you." Sam smiled to himself. It felt like old times for the first time in a long time. Sam sighed, and as if on cue both brothers rolled over onto their stomachs, and attempted to fall asleep.


	2. Chapter 2

"Dean?"

There was a sigh from the bed next to his. "What do you want Sam?"

"I…" Sam sighed. "Never mind. Just go to sleep."

"I was trying that, and someone felt the need to call my name and wake me up."

"Sorry." Sam said sheepishly. "Go back to sleep."

Dean sighed sharply and rolled over to face Sam's bed. "No. What did you want Sam? No secrets remember?"

Sam remembered that promise, the promise made shortly after the two reconciled, and he intended to keep it, wanted to keep it, wanted to earn back his brother's trust, but he was almost more terrified to ask the question that had been on the edge of his tongue.

"Sam?" Dean said in his low aggravated growl.

"I was just wondering when you were going to kill me and how you intended to do it."

There was a pause, and the pause continued, and continued. Sam looked around for a second almost afraid Dean had stood and was about to go Psycho on him. "What in the hell are you talking about Sam? Did the demon blood shake something loose up there?"

That was not the response Sam had been expecting. "Dad said that you either had to save me or kill me right?"

Dean thought for a second, and found that the more he thought the more confused he got. Why in the hell would Sam be bringing up this now? "Yeah?" Dean finally said, hoping that his brother would clarify his outrageous statements.

"Well, you said that you were done trying to save me, so, well, I was just wondering when you were going to finish the job? You always finish a job. I would just like a heads up. I won't fight you. I should be dead---"

"Woah, hold your suicidal horses there Sammy. I have no idea what in the hell you are talking about. I never said that I was done trying to save you."

"Yes you did."

"No I didn't."

"Yes. You did."

'NO. I didn't."

"Dean!"

"Sam!"

"You said it! You left it on my voice mail, the night I let Lucifer out of the box. You want to hear it? I still have it on my phone."

"I never said it."

"It's your voice, your number."

"I called and apologized Sam."

"No…"

"I did. While I was in the angel green room. Sam. I would never stop trying to save you. Why do you think I'm so mad? Huh? Really. Why in the world do you think this all made me so mad?"

"Because I started Armageddon."

"No. You didn't. I did. You just finished making the mess. So, next."

"For trusting Ruby."

"Yeah. That's it Sam. I'm mad because you couldn't trust me. I felt like I've spent my whole freaking life trying to protect you and you didn't want that protection, hell, you threw it back in my face. That's why I'm so mad. I'm mad that we have been manipulated sixteen ways from Sunday, and that that bitch got in your head. That she convinced you of all of that stuff. I'm mad because my voice wasn't strong enough, that I wasn't strong enough."

"Dean…"

"No. I wasn't. Alistair said I left some of myself in the pitt, and I did. Sam. I'm mad because I haven't done my job, and I'm mad because you chose evil over me. I'm mad because I can't trust you like I did. Just because I'm mad doesn't mean I want you dead, or won't want to protect you anymore." Dean sighed and laid back down on the bed. "And why in the hell would you keep something like that on your phone?"

Sam hesitated for a moment and then answered. "To remember." Silence enveloped the room and neither brother slept that night.


	3. Chapter 3

"Dean?" Dean sighed and rolled over. For the past week, every single night, Sam had woke him or gotten to him just before he fell asleep, to ask one question, usually a loaded one. Dean hadn't yet decided if this airing of the dirty laundry was good, or just simply awkward.

"What?" he answered annoyed.

"You never told me what happened to me when you went to the future." Dean sighed.

"So?"

"Was I dead?" Sam asked hesitantly.

"Does it matter Sam? What Zach showed me isn't going to happen, I'm not going to allow it."

"So it was bad." Sam deduced from his brother's lack of information and his determination to not share. "Was I dead?" He asked.

Dean thought for a moment before answering. "Sam. Just drop it. I don't understand these midnight confessionals anyway. What does it matter what I saw?"

"I need to know what you are trying so hard to avoid."

"Sam.."

"I'm not 9 and reading Dad's journal. I lost my innocence a long time ago, it's not like you are stripping me of something."

Dean sighed and starred at the ceiling. He was may not strip his brother of anything with the information, but he might instill a panic that would be much harder to deal with.

"Sam." Dean said exasperated.

"I want to know Dean." Sam paused. "Was I dead?"

Dean licked his lips, readjusted his head on his pillow and sighed. "In a manner of speaking."

"What does that mean?"

"Means your body was up and at em just fine. And wearing one hell of a fugly white suit. With really tacky white loafers."

"Come on Dean be serious."

"I am serious. No white for you."

"Dean." Sam said frustrated. For some reason Dean felt the side of his mouth quirk up, it had been a while since Sam had used that tone with him. He felt a little something between them click back into place. "I want to know."

Dean licked his lips and cleared his throat. "You and I hadn't spoken for a while. And well, I guess, with that gone, that…whatever we have thing going on….well, you said yes to Lucifer. He was wearing your face while he killed future me." Dean said softly. Sam took a sharp breath.

"I said yes."

"Yeah. I guess you did. And, future me, blamed himself I think."

"That's the real reason you called me back."

"Yeah. I realized where I'm supposed to be."

"Where? Babysitting me? Yeah, of course, the grand design is for you to babysit me like a child."

Dean let him rant for a minute, listened to him huff and puff and when he had calmed down a little he began to speak. "No. I saw what I became without you. I saw what I let you become. I can't do that Sammy. I was cold, calculating, heartless. I was broken. I can't be like that and expect to stop an enemy that is the same way. I can't. My place is beside you. I told you that we keep each other human. I wasn't kidding."

"I said yes." Sam said in amazement.

"Yeah. And Lucifer has some crappy taste in clothes."

"I become Lucifer and you are concerned about his choice in clothes?"

"6'4 man 6'4. That's A LOT of white."

Sam cracked a smile at that. "I guess so. It's very symbolic."

"Please." Dean said with a roll of his eyes.

"Well he's trying to break the archetype."

"Oh, please, not with the archetype again. GO to sleep Sam."

"Night Dean." Sam said with a smile. Dean turned on his side, his time with Lucifer, wearing his baby brother replaying in his thoughts. Sam turned on his side and all previous humor left him, and worry etched his face. What in the hell would make him say yes.


	4. Chapter 4

"Dean?" Dean squeezed his eyes shut in annoyance. Four days in a row now, right before he was asleep, right before he fell into unconsciousness the questions began. It was usually only one, but it was always a whopper of a question that left him awake for hours afterwards.

"What Sam?" he asked in a sigh.

"Did you wish that Ben was your son?"

"What?" Dean snapped.

"Did you ever wish that Ben Braden was your kid?"

"Where in the hell did that come from Sam?"

"Just thinking."

"Why in the world would you be thinking about that?"

"It's easier to think about than the apocalypse."

"Maybe you should spend more time thinking our way out of that than whether or not I wish I had a kid." Dean shook his head and turned over on his side. Dean thought that would effectively end the conversation. He should have known better.

"Do you?"

Dean closed his eyes, counted to ten, prayed to whatever would listen that he wouldn't kill his little brother right there and then for nothing other than being simply annoying and then took a deep breath and asked, "Why do you want to know Sam? He isn't. It doesn't matter."

Sam licked his lips. "Because, I want to know. You never told me." He said lamely.

Dean turned over on his other side and starred at the side of his brother's head. "You're kidding right? That was close to two years ago. Why would you just want to know?"

"I don't know. Just do."

"Whatever Sam. Go to sleep." Dean shook his head and turned back onto his other side to go to sleep.

Dean heard his brother take a breath, could almost hear his jaw open and shut, heard Sam rustle a little in his bed, and Dean finally thought that Sam would drop it. Yet again, he should have known that Sam wasn't going to drop it. Sam was worse than a dog with a bone when he wanted to know something.

"Not too long ago, you would answer anything I asked. I've asked you a million questions over the years, you've always answered. Now, we hardly talk, we are two hunters who happen to work together. We talk about cases, we talk about the apocalypse, we talk about Bobby, but we don't actually talk anymore."

"When did we turn into girls?"

Sam sighed. "I'm not even talking about the big stuff Dean. We used to argue about music, television, movies, anything. Now we don't talk about anything. I don't know you anymore."

"And you quite painfully pointed out to me not too long ago that I don't know you, that I never have and I never will. So, really, what's the point?" The comment stung. "Or perhaps I didn't hear correctly, I was, you know, still not breathing quite right while you were saying that. I could have been hallucinating at that point, who knows?"

Sam swallowed again. "You heard right."

"Oh, good to know. Good night Sam." Dean pulled the pillow a little more snugly under his head.

"I didn't mean it."

"Whatever."

"I didn't. I was angry, and I knew that would get to you."

"Whatever Sam. It doesn't matter anymore."

"It does matter!" Sam screamed, fisted hands slamming against the bed, voice echoing off of the walls. "It does matter." He said more softly when he felt Dean's eyes on him. "I was so wrong. I said that, I can still hear myself saying that. I can still see the look in your eyes when I had my hands wrapped around your neck, tightening, tightening, and the feeling of your windpipe…the strength." Sam was beginning to choke up. He squinted trying to make out if Sam was crying. It sounded like it. But Sam didn't cry any more. He got misty eyed but the tears didn't fall anymore. Lucifer, the apocalypse, demon blood, something had changed that about his floppy haired brother. "I still see the disappointment, the hurt, that's what I saw. And I didn't stop. I couldn't stop. I was wrong, and I'm sorry. And I want us to be brothers again, and I don't know where to start because it was me that didn't know you, not the other way around."

Flashes of being in the hospital, of the reaper Tessa, flooded back, _we were just getting to be brothers again_. Sam's scared voice floating on top of it. He licked his lips. "I wanted him to be mine." Sam turned to Dean's soft voice. "I wanted it so badly. I thought, that maybe, just once I hadn't screwed everything up in my life, that I had something good. That there was someone out there that was actually a piece of me. That maybe I could have a slice of normal, like you had. Just for a few minutes I had a picture of what it could be like. Playing ball, teaching him cars, stuff about girls….stuff that I could pass on to someone."

"You passed it on to me."

"But Sam, you don't care about any of that stuff. You are smart, you like books, you like froo froo coffee drinks, you never wanted to play sports, you wanted to play chess, stuff that I didn't understand, because I don't have anywhere near the brains you do."

"But if I'm so smart…what the hell happened?" Sam was crying now, his large hands covering his face. Dean sat up and starred at his little brother.

"I don't know Sam. You were desperate, and desperate men do things they aren't proud of."

"I'm sorry for choking you Dean. I really am. I'm also sorry about what I said." Dean nodded and then laid back down in his bed.

Dean didn't want to forgive Sam, he wanted him to know just how bad he felt, how horrible it was to have a brother turn on you, one that you trusted to watch your back, keep the bad guys away, not become the bad guy whose massive hands were around your throat pushing and waiting for you to fall into unconsciousness. But then he remembered Sam standing in all white, his brother's face, the devil's soul shining through his brother's soft compassionate hazel eyes. Forgiveness was what was needed. Forgiveness would keep Sam, Sam. Forgiveness would lighten this load on Dean's chest.

"It's all good Sammy." He managed. Sam would understand.

And Sam did understand.


	5. Chapter 5

"Dean?"

Dean threw his hands up, "For the love of friggin' God what do you want Sam?!"

"I was thinking."

"Oh just skip the preamble. Just ask me the question that's going to make me mad, let me get mad, get over it and get what little sleep I can get."

Sam took a deep breath and then said, "Were you just mad or did you mean it when you said that if you didn't know me you would want to hunt me?"

Dean blinked, the argument coming to him in a flash. He sighed. "Why in the world do you want to know this? Really what is the point Sam?"

"I told you the other night…"

"Yeah, I heard you, you want to know me again. But why don't you ask something else? Something that doesn't hurt?"

Sam blinked a couple of times. "Hurt?"

"Please Sam, don't be that dense. I know you aren't that dense." Dean sighed and scrubbed a hand down his face. "I do have feelings," he sighed. "Just because I don't feel the need to let everyone know mine all of the time, doesn't mean that I don't have them Sam. Getting to know me again, doesn't just mean asking questions that are heavy hitters. Why aren't you asking me stuff about my favorite music or my favorite movies…you know…typical get to know you stuff."

"I know that stuff." Sam said.

"Well then, you know me."

"But I don't."

"Jeeze Sam. What do you want to know? I mean, really, seriously. I'm pretty much the same guy that I've always been."

"But…"

"And another thing. Weren't you the guy who proclaimed that you knew me better than anyone in the entire world….that you'd been looking up to me forever and ever and trying to be just like me? Because if that's true, then what in the world is the point of this?! You know me! And the only reason I can come up with for you asking this crap is either to get a rise out of me or to make you feel better about something. What in the hell do you want Sam?"

Dean was sitting up now, glaring at his brother in the dark. Sam could feel his brother's eyes, feel his anger and he sighed. "You changed when you left me. And you've said things and done things that…."

"You don't understand?"

"Yeah, I guess."

"Feeling's mutual kid." Dean said softly. The words stung, and Sam pretended to not hear, he didn't want to hear his brother's analysis of him right now. He'd had enough over the last year to last him a life time. Plus, this wasn't about him right now, this was about Dean.

Sam licked his lips and sighed. "I guess I just counted on some things never changing, stuff that I took for granted, like you always being there. I never expected you to not fight me when I wanted to go on my own this time, you actually said that you were okay with it, that we needed it. You never would have said that before. And the hunting me….I really….really just need to know if…"

"If I'm going to off you in your sleep? The sleep you don't get most nights because you are too busy being guilty and angry to sleep?"

Sam licked his lips again, refused to look in the direction of his brother and nodded. "Yeah, I guess so."

Dean sighed and lay back down on the bed and starred at his piece of ceiling. "I meant it." He said finally.

Sam felt the tears prickle at the back of his eyes. "So, I lost your trust the moment you saw me exorcise that demon?"

Dean gave a frustrated sigh and ran his hands up and down his face. "No. You didn't lose my trust then. I wanted you to know, and still want you to know, that if word gets out about what you've done, people aren't going to stop and ask questions, aren't going to know you, and know that you only meant to do good things, they are going to see you as evil, going to see you as something, and not someone. I didn't choose the right way to say it, but there it is, I said it. I meant it. Is that what you wanted to know?"

Sam thought for a second. "It happened you know."

Dean frantically wracked his brain for what in the world his little brother could possibly be talking about now. "Okay. I bite. What?"

"Hunters hunting me."

"We killed Gordon Sam. Or did you forget the barbed wire and the head popping off like a Barbie doll?"

"Not Gordon."

"Then who Sam? Quit doing this ominous crap. Just spit it out already."

"When we were apart, when Lucifer came to me. Well before that, these guys came into the bar I was working. And well, they found out about what I'd done, some demon told them, and their buddy died, and they tried to force feed me demon blood, wanted me to Hulk out and destroy the demon who destroyed their friend." Dean swallowed.

"You drink it Sam?"

"No. I swear. I didn't."

"I believe you." Dean said after a moment. Sam had no idea how welcoming those words would be. "But that is what I meant last year Sam. Now, not only will they want to hunt you, they'll want to use you." Dean rolled over on his side. "That's great. That's just freaking fantastic." And a big sigh escaped his older brother. The conversation was over and Sam felt no better than when he started.


	6. Chapter 6

"Dean?" Sam asked when the clock struck one. Dean closed his eyes tightly and wondered, not for the first, and more than likely not the last, what in the world got Sam's wheels spinning this late, and why he felt the need to ask him deeply personal and sometimes dangerous questions.

"You get off on this or something bro?"

"What?"

"This is stupid Sam. We spend hours and hours on the road together, alone, and you chose to have these deep philosophical conversations in the middle of the night."

"It's just easier."

"Easier for what?" Dean asked turning to his little brother.

"Easier to ask the questions."

"What question are you gonna ask me tonight? What can you possibly not know?" Dean asked exasperated, sat up, and turned on the light.

"No. No light." Sam said and reached over and turned off the light. Dean turned it back on.

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes!"

"Quit being so stubborn!"

"Quit waking me up in the middle of the night!"

"It's not like you sleep!"

"It's not like I can!"

"Then why are you complaining!?"

"Because, maybe, just maybe, I'd sleep if I were left alone!" Dean turned out the light. "Go to sleep Sam." Dean flopped back down on his side and pulled the covers up tight around his chin and prayed that that would effectively end the night's query fest.

"What did you think the first time you saw me use my powers?" Dean fought the urge to sigh. He gritted his teeth and counted to ten. He would not kill the baby brother that he fought so hard to keep living, that would sort of defeat the purpose.

"Sam, why?"

"I want to know."

"Why? So you can beat up on yourself? So you can think that I don't understand you? That I don't like you or love you anymore? Is that it? Or do you simply want to torture yourself?"

"I…just need to know I guess." Dean closed his eyes, rubbed at them with the back of his hands and sighed.

"I was scared."

"Of me?"

"For you. Your nose was bleeding pretty bad."

"That wasn't the first time you saw me use my powers. The first time was when you found me and Ruby in the warehouse."

Dean hadn't actually remembered too much from that time. He remembered seeing red, and driving around after the red disappeared, but he didn't remember too much of the actual time.

"I was angry, betrayed, hurt." Sam was silent on the other side of the room. "You didn't tell me, an angel had to point me in the right direction, other people knew. I was so humiliated. I was struggling so much with Hell dreams, and you are off doing stuff and not telling me. Leaving me alone, I was so afraid most of the time, and I trusted that you were at my back. Never dreamed that you weren't. Never dreamed that you were off pulling demons out of their bodies with your mind. Never thought you would do something you promised not to."

Sam swallowed, felt the tears stream down the sides of his face. "And then the smug way Ruby looked at me, like she knew that she had replaced me. And I thought you did replace me. I was just so….hell I don't know."

"So, you weren't mad about the powers?" Sam asked after clearing his throat.

"I knew you had powers Sam. Visions remember? Powers are one thing, going back on a promise is another, drinking demon blood to enhance those powers are a whole other ball game. I was just mad at how you did it. I was furious that you didn't tell me. Then acted like I would never understand. Whatever. I did. More than you will ever know."

"Hell?" Sam asked quietly.

"Yeah, hell."

"I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For…that…it…" Sam sighed. "I'm just sorry."

"I know you are Sam." And Dean cut off communication and tried to get some sleep, and Sam thought for the first time, that maybe it wasn't such a good idea to have these midnight confessions after all.


	7. Chapter 7

"Dean?" Sam started the next night.

"Oh for the freaking love of God. No. We aren't doing it tonight. We are not opening some festering wound just so we both can lie here and not sleep for the rest of the night. No. No. NO."

"But…"

"But you need to learn about me…because you need to know me again. That's bull shit and you know it. You know all about me Sam Winchester, you're just being selfish and wanting to know if I'm still mad, or if it's okay to use your powers, or if I've forgiven you, or if I will ever trust you again. So don't give me the crap answer you want to know me again. Here let me ask you something….Do you ever wish I was still in hell?"

Sam's whole face went slack and he sat straight up and starred at his brother, the dark shrouding him. Sam swallowed. "What the hell kind of question is that?"

"A legitimate one." Dean said with arms crossed over his prone body.

"No that's not. That's awful."

"Then why are you taking so long to answer it?"

"I don't' want you in hell."

"No. What I asked is if you wished I was still there, that I never left."

"Dean. This is stupid."

"Yeah, it is. It's about as stupid as all of the questions you've been asking me for weeks."

"But those are serious questions. Things that I wanted to know."

"Whose saying I don't want to know the answer to this question or that it isn't serious."

"But, you, you, you can't honestly believe that I would want you suffering I hell."

"You haven't particularly cared about what's happened to me since I've gotten back."

"That's a lie and you know it!" Sam exploded.

"Really! Really Sam?!"

"Yeah! How dare you ask me something like that?! How dare you assume….I worked hard to get you out of hell! I tried everything."

"Yeah even fucking a demon."

"I tried everything." Sam said through gritted teeth.

"Yeah, sure whatever."

"What do you want!? A list, you want to see the scars, you want me to fall at your feet and worship the fact that you are here?!"

"I would have liked to know that you actually wanted me back when I got back. I mean, I was so freaking elated to see you when you came back from the dead, and you were so disturbed by my death that you were with a chick, and sucking demon blood and just a regular Joe."

Tears threatened and spilled down Sam's face. "I did all that I knew, I've told you, I tried to make a deal, I tried to open the devil's gate, I tried everything. I couldn't get you out. I was trying to make your death mean something. I was trying to….to…"

"I don't care what you were trying to do. You left me the night I came back. Left me to go play with Ruby. I couldn't leave your side for months after you died, but I come back from HELL and you can't even find it in you to stick with me for twelve hours." Sam swallowed hard.

"I thought I was protecting you."

"By leaving me by myself when demons might just be after me, we didn't know what brought me back, or for how long…"

"How long?" Sam said suddenly scared.

"I didn't know if I was on some kind of shore leave or if this was a permanent thing Sam. Did you?"

"I assumed…"

"Yeah, well look where that has gotten the both of us." Silence enveloped the both of them for a moment.

"I left because I was going to exorcise the demons to make sure they couldn't come and get you. I didn't think you'd wake up, you said that you didn't remember hell, so I figured that you would be okay, especially if I took care of the demons that were around that might hurt you."

"Would have been nice to know at the time and not be fed lies."

"I wasn't trying to…." Sam threw his hands up and they landed on his thighs and he sighed. "I missed you a lot while you were gone, I felt like my right arm had been cut off. I..I…just got lost."

"Ruby showed you the way."

"The wrong way. "

"Ain't that the truth."

"Look Dean, I'm sorry."

Dean shrugged. "Nothin' to be sorry for. You just showed me how you really felt."

Sam felt panicky all of the sudden. Dean thought he didn't want or love him, Dean was going to be all right with that. He had to say something, he had to convince Dean that it was the demon blood and now how he really felt. "Dean…" he started.

"These midnight confessions suck don't they kid?" Dean interrupted and then rolled over and ended the conversation.

Sam swallowed hard and found that sleeping was most certainly not on the agenda that night.


	8. Chapter 8

"Dean?"

"Oh come on, didn't you get enough of this last night?"

"I wanted to talk about last night."

"You don't want to start this with some question that is going to hurt?"

"No. I want to talk about what you said last night."

"Whatever Sam. Talk about it. Don't talk about it. It doesn't change anything."

"You can't really believe that I didn't miss you."

"I can. You showed me a million different ways."

"How?"

"I don't want to do this Sam."

"We need to discuss it."

"We aren't girls."

Sam let out a frustrated sigh and sat up, turned on the light, got up, and smacked his brother in between his shoulder blades. "Ow! What was that for?!"

"I want to discuss this! Don't turn your back on me."

"You turned your back on me long before I turned mine on you."

"I thought we were past this."

"I thought we were too until you started asking me all of these questions."

"You really thought I didn't want you back from hell?"

"Yeah. I did."

"What? Why? How?"

"Simple. Just freaking simple Sam. You left me…"

"I was trying to save you.."

"You left me when I was so scared Sam I could barely breathe. Do you know what that's like? Do you know what it's like to be so scared that literally you want to curl into a ball and cry?"

"You never did that."

"You sure Sammy? You sure? You were gone a lot of the time." Sam's mouth went dry.

"Did that actually happen?"

Dean debated for a second and then said, "Yeah. I ended up with my back to a corner, shot gun by my feet starring at the door and waiting for something to come and get me, take me back to hell. I was convinced that the next person who walked though that door would have demon eyes and come with a hell hound and rip my soul out of my body and take me back down to hell. It was awful." Dean stopped and sat up straighter and ran a h and over his face. "At first, I though they took you, and that's why you're bed was empty. I really thought they had come and taken you away from me. I still don't know what is worse: demons coming and taking you away from me, or them coming and taking me back to hell. No clue. I just know that I was in a corner of a motel room, gun at my feet, and I was so scared I couldn't stop shaking. Just couldn't stop."

"I never found you that way." Sam said tentatively.

"No. I'd stay there until the panic attack subsided, then I would go splash water on my face, tell myself to get it together, and then I'd go back to bed, and not sleep, or sleep and have nightmares." Dean shook his head and looked at his brother. "I didn't have my shit together, and you were checked out and weren't in the mood to help me get my shit together. I was so scared and lost. I always thought you had my back, and you didn't."

"I was trying to have your back, Dean. I really was. I thought that by getting stronger, and being ready, I could protect you."

"I didn't need protection, I needed my brother."

"You weren't yourself."

"I couldn't. I'm still not the guy who went to hell. I never will be ever again Sam. That's just facts. I tortured people. I broke the first seal. I worked for the demons, more than you ever did. I did it willingly. I knew what I was doing Sam."

"You didn't know you were breaking the first seal." Sam offered.

"No. That I didn't realize." Dean shook his head. "I really have no right to say anything. I mean, I shouldn't be angry with you, I don't really have a right to be hurt. I mean, I left you. I…I screwed up."

"I screwed up too." Both men sat in silence for a few moments, the silence this time not quite as oppressive. "So, you thought that I didn't miss you?"

"Nope. Not at all."

"Wow. That's so far from the truth it's not even funny."

"Can we end this chick flick Sam?"

"Yeah, I suppose we can." Sam sighed and got back into his bed and switched off the light.

"I'm sorry I left you alone and let you think I didn't miss you."

"I'm sorry I died."

"Our lives are weird."

"Damn straight. Now go to sleep." And Sam did. For the first time since he started asking questions, he was able to sleep.


End file.
